


one last dance | lee minho

by adore_jisung



Series: and beyond | stray kids [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bleeding, Blood, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Character Death, Crying, Cutting, Dancer Lee Minho | Lee Know, Dancing, Dancing Lessons, Death, Feeling Unloved, Oblivious Minho, Perfectionism, Sad, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, body destruction, distorted perceiption, han was secretly in love, i should seriously stop, i wanna hug him, insane, lonely, overworked lee minho, sweating, tagging is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-08 01:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21467770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adore_jisung/pseuds/adore_jisung
Summary: in which minho's passion turned into an obsession
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Minho | Lee Know & Everyone, Lee Minho | Lee Know & Stray Kids Ensemble, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Everyone, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Stray Kids Ensemble, Stray Kids Ensemble/Everyone
Series: and beyond | stray kids [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545982
Comments: 4
Kudos: 100





	one last dance | lee minho

**Author's Note:**

> started: 16th February 2019  
ended: 17th February 2019  
edited: 17th November 2019  
2628 words
> 
> disclaimer: this is merely fiction and i hope it's very far from reality. the intention is not to romanticize death/suicide. i love minho so much and i'm sorry for having written this
> 
> [tw] selfharm, dark thoughts, suicide. read at your own risk.

his rapid, heavy breathing was the only audible sound piercing through the nocturnal silence that had swallowed the empty room completely. 

his vision blurry and his deoxygenated body trembling like autumn leaves during a wild storm night, minho reached out for his almost empty water bottle, hoping to reinforce his drained body again only to exhaust himself even more afterwards.

as the last few drops of cooling water were meeting his hot, chapped lips, his eyesight turned fully black and he collapsed on the scuffed floor with a dull bang. the endless sweat running down his red face was trying its best to cool down his overheated body while his heart's rapid beating was attempting to provide his limbs craving for oxygen with more blood.

there on the dirty floor, he was laying for several minutes, squeezing his eyes firmly as everything around him started to spin vertiginously. the excruciating loud noise of his heart's pounding was drowning out the residual environment his senses increasingly failed to perceive and was throbbing heavily against his forehead causing him to feel nauseous.

holding his aching head with one hand, he forced himself to stand up again, completely ignoring the black dots crazily dancing in front of his confused eyes and the metallic, blood-like taste slowly forming in his dry mouth.

when his shaking legs halfway regained their strong foothold and his breathing finally seemed to settle down again, he lifted his heavy head and stared at the high mirrors in front of him reflecting the long, bright fluorescent lamps which decorated the white ceiling and made the large room seem even emptier and drearier.

his tired eyes surveyed the fragile, lonely figure standing in the middle of the room and looking ridiculously lost and out of place. it seemed to be a whole different person compared to the once so enthusiastic boy overflowing with motivation to survive in the strict industry and to fulfill his big dream of becoming a famous, professional performer.

but when minho's eyes wandered up and down his own reflection, he did not recognize himself anymore. it was like his body and mind no longer matched, as if he was looking into a stranger's face. because instead of the authentic and passionate man he used to be, he now rather resembled a plain, lifeless machine its only purpose was to impress with its perfection, to climb higher and higher on the stony mountain called success, brushing aside physical and psychical limits every other person wouldn't dare to cross. 

minho, however, had put his passion over his health condition, set it as his highest priority - ever since he got accepted into stray kids, he was the first to enter the dance studio and the last to leave it, daily.   
dancing was his own therapy.   
it made him forget about time, about worries, made him ignore his cravings.

the stressful diets, the irregular sleeping patterns, everything lost importance as soon as he stepped into the dance studio.

when looking into the mirrors watching him dance, he didn't even notice his bones sharply sticking out of his hips, didn't see the deep holes over his collarbones, his muscular thighs not showing a single spot of fat. he didn't pay attention to the scale's digits falling rapidly with every further doctor appointment, all he saw was his moves, his speed, his accuracy.

dancing was important. everything else could be rejected as irrelevant in his eyes, it didn't matter. nothing mattered.

and no matter how beautiful, how angelic his moves were, all he saw was flaws.

he was under steady control. his thoughts, his perception were nonstop controlled, almost tyrannized by voices shouting uncountable instructions, corrections, unsatisfied opinions accompanying him through day and night, aggressively nagging at him until he saw nothing but more mistakes, missed beats, inauthentic expressions.

and while his frustrated eyes only saw the bad parts, his group members would stare at him in awe, jaws hitting the ground, asking themselves how on earth it was even possible making dance moves look this beautiful and gracile. but no matter how often they spoke those thoughts full of amazement out loud, they never reached minho's mind. he only saw the flaws.

blinking rapidly, minho shook his head, trying to ban all these loudly screaming thoughts out of his mind and turned the music back on, focusing only on himself as he went through the motions of the dance in half speed. and as soon as the song ended, he'd reach out for the remote, starting it from the beginning again. he kept switching between half speed, normal speed, double speed, focusing on his feet, his legs, his arms, his face and forgetting completely about his surroundings.

he didn't even notice the clock silently striking towards 3am, he ignored his phone buzzing in the corner of the room and jisung's name flashing on the display as the latter was desperately attempting to call him multiple times, he didn't notice his own limbs, his entire body getting heavier and number with every further restart of the choreography.

minho couldn't even remember the amount of times he had gone through the dance that night already, but he could clearly remember every single, tiniest mistake he had made and he wouldn't dare to rest until all these mistakes were corrected, until everything was perfect.

he stopped the music again, now focusing on the moves that were the most difficult for him until they as well went with such a lightness and grace, impossible to be improved, however, still not enough to satisfy his expectations. and so he didn't have a choice but to restart the song over and over again. 

and again. 

start. dance. stop. inhale. start. dance. stop. exhale. start. dance. stop.

the heavy bass blasting through the boxes making the floor vibrate was hypnotising him until his mind felt incredibly dizzy, however, the dancer enjoyed this feeling of dull ecstasy he put himself in.

he loved drowning everything in brutally loud, almost deafening music, blinding out the painful reality that had made him become the person he was now: a mercilessly strict perfectionist, controlled by his neverending thirst for success, appreciation, fame, improvement.

swallowing all these thoughts lingering his mind, his greed for perfection blurred everything out except for his movements only and soon he didn't even hear the music anymore, he didn't even have to control his suffering body anymore.

he had fallen into a heteronomous automatism and not being able to regain control, he let his tired eyes fall shut, not even noticing how his numb feet were suddenly stumbling and his aching body brutally collided with the big mirrors in front of him.

he didn't feel the glass making his skin release small dots of brightly red blood as the sharp edges of the now broken mirror covered him and he collapsed on the cold floor again.

and suddenly he felt a weird calmness wrapping him in its thick warmness until his lungs that were previously gasping for air barely moved. he didn't feel his limbs anymore, everything was numb and heavy and he felt like he was melting into the floor like an ice cube in the hot sun. the loud voices screaming in his head were suddenly enjoyably silent, it was almost as if he wasn't attached to his overheated body anymore, as if his soul was released, free. and all he wanted to do was to fall sleep and never wake up again.

minho's mouth was smiling weakly while his narrowed eyes were concentratedly staring at the bright, white ceiling above him, not perceiving anything of the reality surrounding him. his mind was empty.

a shivering exhale pant leaving his lips, he slowly pulled himself up and leaned his muscular back against the fractured glass wall behind him, not even hissing as the sharp edges were cutting through his flesh as if it was butter. his eyes wide open, he was staring into the nothingness in front of him while his thoughts began to wander around and finally found place at the eight people he was keeping in a special place of his numb heart. the only people on this world he loved effortlessly. it was a one sided love though - or at least that was what his cruel, distorted perception told him.

day by day it convinced him a bit more that the others only accepted him out of their marvelous empathy and mercy after being forced to put up with their main dancer spending uncountable, exhausting nights in his bed crying, preventing them from getting their well deserved sleep.

his mind had convinced him that all of them were secretly waiting for the day minho would finally give up and decide to leave the group, the day his muffled cries at night and his puffy eyes the next morning would come to a long-desired end. after all, he was convinced, stray kids would doubtlessly be better off him ruining their beautiful songs with his plain, unspectacular voice, without his face appearing in their videos, without his unauthentic dancing full of mistakes.

he was deeply convinced that their friendly faces were nothing but faked masks, hiding their true selves. in front of his inner eye he always pictured his beloved members laughing at his weaknesses, shaking their heads over his ridiculous self trying to keep up with their perfect beings, being annoyed by his extra weight dragging down the group's success.

all these thoughts deeply etched in minho's mind never failed to disguise the actual reality as the false pretence was replacing his common sense. the reality in which his members were limitlessly loving and admiring him.

they loved him so damn much, seeing their beloved brother hating himself like that shattered their hearts until they were bleeding and they were trying so hard showing him their love. but he didn't believe them anymore. he didn't trust them anymore.

minho made a snorting sound as a hot tear slowly rolled down his right cheek and left a burning mark on his chapped lips. he chuckled at his pathetic self, his embarrassing self, and soon the previously dead silent room was filled with an insane laughter, growing louder and more hysterical every second.   
minho laughed and laughed until it eventually morphed into a piteous sobbing, gasping and creepy screaming. his lungs were stinging painfully, his red, puffy eyes were burning and his broken heart felt as if thousands of needles had been pierced through it, making it a bleeding mess.

closing his eyes, he waited until his breathing that seemed dangerously close to hyperventilating slowly became calmer and controlled while he dashing his bitter tears away.

he remembered jisung crawlinginto his bed almost every night when minho once again was a sobbing mess. he remembered the former's eyes full of concern and sympathy, pitying the crying boy, his tired face the next morning, making minho feel guilty for having kept him from getting the precious sleep his weary body was craving for. he remembered his best friend's beautiful voice trying to calm him down, repeating comforting words like a mantra, trying to convince him that the daylight would come back, even confidentially promising it.

but no matter how often these words would reach his ears, minho knew they were a lie. the daylight wouldn't come back to him, never again. because he was trapped in an eternal blackness killing every single sunbeam before he could even look at it closely. he was caught in a never ending darkness swallowing him entirely, not sparing a single spot of his soul. he would never again be able to enjoy the privilege of living in the daylight, being tickled by the sun's warm brightness in the morning without having to worry about the inconspicuous clouds throwing small shadows on his face.

he was living in an infinite darkness and he didn't want it anymore. he couldn't take it anymore. he had to escape.

hesitatingly his shivering hand grabbed one of the sharp, thin glass shards that were still scattered around him, slowly brought it up to his bony, milky white wrist, hovering over it for several seconds, not sure if that really was what he wanted. but as he felt his heart starting to beat faster in excitement, his indecision slowly gave way to the growing determination captivating his mind.

maybe it would be the best for everyone. not maybe, definitely.

slowly, almost caressingly, the sharp edge stroked over the soft, untouched skin once, twice, painting small, red dots on it which turned into thin lines in a split second. minho was fascinatedly staring at the red liquid dropping from his arms, creating a small puddle beneath him. he didn't feel anything, no pain, only his pulse beating faster and more energetic as he was adding more and more strokes resembling a coded artwork on blank canvas, an artwork containing a secret message its meaning only its creator was capable of construing.

when his phone's ringtone tore him out of his ecstatic state, he only grabbed it absentmindedly and answered with a calm "yeah?", unable to look away from the red pattern on his body. "where are you, it's 4 in the damn morning, you wanted to be back by 1am", a worried jisung screamed into his ear, whereas he only hummed in approval. placidly he kept painting his body in a dark red, not responding to his friend whose concern grew with every further second of creepy silence. "minho-hyung, you better tell me where you are, i'm coming to pick you up right now. are you still in the studio?", he asked panically only to receive another chuckling hum which he took as a confirmation and hung up without any further word.

minho simply dropped the beeping phone on the floor only to attend back to his newly found obsession until he found his own body completely covered in a dark red, sighing contentedly.

his hand's previously firm grip around the shard loosened and he suddenly felt incredibly light, relieved, as his limbs lost all of their strength. it was silent. his vision white and blurry, his lip's corners still forming a satisfied smile.

far away from his perception, he heard how the studio's door was torn open, a panicked scream of a somewhat familiar voice following immediately after, the sound of two feet running towards him, two cold hands grabbing his hot face, slightly slapping his cheeks. a shirt being wrapped around his bleeding body's open wounds, his shoulders being tightly shaken. his heavy eyelids fluttered open, presenting a crying boy sitting in front of his face, a phone pressed against his ear and his teary eyes staring down at him in pure fear and disbelief.

minho slowly lifted his arm littered with uncountable cuts, dashed the other boy's tears away, his blood-smeared fingers leaving dark marks in the latter's face.   
"stop. don't cry... remember, the daylight. it will come back, i promise", he whispered softly while weakly putting out his pinky until he felt the other's pinky locking with it before the latter grabbed his ice cold hand, firmly pressing it over his mouth, unsuccessfully trying to prevent the muffled, uncontrolled cries from escaping his mouth. 

and in the end, jisung's trembling arms being wrapped around his bleeding, bony body, squeezing it tightly as if he could prevent his soul from flying out, was the last thing minho perceived before his vision went completely black and he was finally free.

_clouds above my head _   
_try to cover my smile_

_i'd rather have it pour_   
_drip drop drip drop_

_i wanna cry, i wanna cry_   
_because of me,_

_even my surroundings get darker_

_i realize,_   
_that cloud is me._

_-heize, dark clouds_


End file.
